Exploring Cambodia - My Reflections on Visiting the Choeung Ek Killing Fields

After four days to relax in Koh Samet, a pleasant island only a short journey from Bangkok, we were ready to continue our travels relatively unscathed from our time in Thailand. In addition to our ordeal thatshowcased Mother Nature’s incomprehensible power, Kea had also fallen ill on our long travel day from Chiang Mai to Koh Samet.

A journey that in the end took around a dozen hours looked in danger of not even starting as Kea’s dinner from the night before ended up all over the hotel staircase when we left for the airport at 05:30 am. She admirably soldiered on and bravely made the journey, letting out only a groan here and there when a wave of sickness threatened to destabilise our plan. I’d have trudged back to bed and waited for another day if that was me, but no, Kea was adamant about making it to the beach. Bravo.

After ripening for a few days, we upped and left for Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital city. Harry and I left out Cambodia on our previous visit to the region but Kea hadn’t, again proving that then her cultural interests heavily outweighed mine, as at this point I’d have no doubt been head down in a bucket containing all sorts of alcoholic liquids, and the rest.

The Buddhist Stupa that holds thousands of victims' skulls lies at the center of Choeung Ek

 

A country between paradise and pain

As a history graduate, I was and am aware of Cambodia’s recent history – the darkest days that any nation could understand. We’ll get on to that later. Cambodia is also known for its vast jungle terrain and the world-famous Angkor Wat temple. Moreover, amongst travellers, the white sands and crystal clear waters of the southern islands, Koh Rong and Koh Rong Sanloem, are arguably Cambodia’s main backpacking attractions.

Angkor Wat's impressive pillars

We knew that we didn’t have long in Cambodia after pre-planning to meet up with a friend from home in Vietnam, our next stop. Our 24 hours in Phnom Penh were intense for more than one reason. However, we successfully managed to do everything that we wanted to do before our bus left for Siem Reap.

Kea and I understood the necessity to visit one of the killing fields, as harrowing and difficult as it might be, to be best placed to comprehend, appreciate and try to empathise, as much one possible could, with the people so effected by the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge and its reign of terror from 1975 to 1979. The killing field at Choeung Ek is the closest to Phnom Penh and is the best-known monument for those to pay their respects and learn more about what happened all over Cambodia during this period.

A place where words will never be enough

If you would like to continue reading, be warned that I do explain my experience in some detail, for without doing so I believe would not be a true reflection and representation of how I felt, as well as to not downplay any of the atrocities committed as in doing so would, in my opinion, be somewhat disrespectful to the victims.

I doubt there have been enough words invented to describe the things that even the beings of hell would shiver and cower at but all I can do is try to describe my experience and feelings as accurately as possible. Upon entry we were given a map and an earpiece to guide and to talk you through, step by step, the areas of significance, often accompanied by anecdotes from those or the families of those affected.

We were audibly guided through the first few stops until we came to a halt at the first and one of the largest exhumed mass graves. Before this, we were guided past where night buses would bring blindfolded prisoners before they were thrown into holding pens so awful that they would make pigsties look welcoming. The prisoners would have previously been held at the S21prison, only a short journey from Choeung Ek, where they would have been tortured, starved and degraded in ways that even works of fiction would struggle to depict.

A signpost explaining some of the atrocities that happened at this spot, during the Choeung Ek tour

Perhaps some of the prisoners lucky enough not to have lost their lives at the S21 prison sought a glimmer of hope after being herded onto a bus, despite being blindfolded with their hands tied and not knowing their destination. Possibly even more so when they would have heard propaganda music playing aloud from the large speakers all over the complex. However, this music was intentionally played to cover up the screams and other noises of murder and death. It wouldn't have taken the prisoners long to realise their fate and quickly lose any hope that they might have had.

To save bullets, as they were expensive, Khmer Rouge guards would use anything that they could get their hands on to kill, including blunt farming instruments. I had to pause to breathe and recompose myself often during the tour and in writing some of these stories, I am having to do the same. The next story will do that to you, too. In some cases, the guards would even use the slightly sharp side of Palm Tree branches to slice the throats of victims before tossing their still-alive bodies into mass graves.

The Killing Tree

Despite the many horrifying stories, one moment stood out for me. A moment that shook every fibre of my being and a moment that I was not brave enough to fully see through. We approached what looked like another one of the many exhumed mass graves that we had already passed. But when we got closer, we realised that this one was unique as it was accompanied by a great tree in stature that slightly leant over the grave.

I soon realised that this innocent tree, a tree that grew to stand so magnificently over the meadow and neighbouring pond, was exploited as not just a murder weapon but a murder weapon used in the most inhumane and despicable way that any weapon had ever been used by a human being before.

The pond that still holds the remains of many victims

The definition of evil does not do what I am about to tearfully explain anything close to justice. Guards would use the leaning trunk to bludgeon babies' heads on, dehumanising and disfiguring their small, precious bodies before tossing them lifelessly onto their mothers’ bodies below. The fortunate mothers were already dead; many had to witness this before they were put out of their misery themselves.

Cowardly, I couldn’t approach the tree to pay my respects or leave a token of solidarity, as many more brave than I had done previously. The whole scene was too much for my body and mind to even try to comprehend and as the realisation of what had occurred here once upon a time hit, a wave of fear and horror shook me from my head to my toes and I couldn’t stop the floods of tears that quickly flooded from my eyes.

I tried once again to turn and approach the tree, but I couldn’t. I’m not a religious person but I whispered a prayer when we eventually walked, head bowed, away from the tree.

Finding peace in Cambodia’s places of pain

Despite the indescribable horror that once took precedence in this area, it is now home to a peaceful and beautifully crafted tourist site and tribute to the victims. I was right to be afraid to visit and right to expect it to be harrowing but the level at which it was so, one could never prepare for.

It is difficult to even attempt to find a positive in a negative of the greatest magnitude, but as the birds poetically chirped and sang above the what was once, and still is, a mass grave for so many, I couldn’t help but sense and feel that after years of horror, there was finally peace at a place that at once would’ve felt like the engine room of hell itself. Choeung Ek is a stark reminder of humanity at its absolute worst, yet a reminder that, whilst it might take time and a lot of sacrifice, peace always prevails.

A beautiful tree stands proud amongst anguish, Choeung Ek

The next day we visited the earlier-mentioned Tuol Slen Genocide Museum and S21 prison to understand more about the Khmer Rouge and Pol Pot’s reign of evil. Just as difficult as the day before, we struggled to make it around with dry eyes. I’ve described enough dreadfulness for one blog but you can only try to, with difficulty, imagine some of the atrocities that happened here too.

Overall, it was important for us to have visited and appreciated both of these historical landmarks, especially if we were to integrate with the Cambodian people over the next fortnight; many of whom lost loved ones during this period and many of whom still feel the effects of that period today.

The S21 Genocide Museum, Phnom Penh

There’s no doubt that these two experiences affected and impacted us and our perspectives on certain things, especially when appreciating that they happened only half a century ago. Life is extremely precious and we are realising this more and more every day and perhaps, controversially, it is something that I think we can forget when we consciously or subconsciously allow ourselves to plateau whilst surrounded by the comforts of the Western world.